"If you place your bets that I won't let them hurt you, you'll lose everything."
It's been years of me waiting around for you. Every day I
would hold my breath... This will be the one.
You'd say you cared. I claimed to believe you, but the truth is,
I never put much trust in you.
I wanted to. I wanted a lot for us. In the end,
either you gave up or I quit caring.
If it's girls who fuck you over you choose, meet your fucking dream come true.
I thought if we gave it a chance, it could be a turn around
for the both of us... You'd learn that you deserve love.
I'd learn I could give love to someone.
Turns out, you still can't choose. Turns out, I still
can't treat a man right.
Go ahead. Use me up. I'll just burn you in the end...
It'd be a bloody mess.
Call off the hounds. I'm long fucking gone...
So my heart owes you one.
Cuz my eyes should have known better.
Your face is so beautiful,
but a face is nothing new.
Tell yourself you'll find someone new.
You'll be better off without me.
Thu, Oct. 9th, 2008, 02:40 pm
It's neverending, the waxing and waning, the ebbing of the tide.
My craziness comes and goes, but the mood swings are always within arms reach.
That's okay. I've learned to deal with it, somewhat. I more get concerned by those around me. I don't want to worry anyone. I FEEL okay. Whatever that means.
Things are just... wierd...
Wed, Jul. 30th, 2008, 03:37 pm
My heart grows stronger every day. I realize I'm apprehensive. But really, I like that about myself. I'm so very very NOT apprehensive when it comes to accepting people I know are wonderful into my life, but I will be fucking picky when it comes to who I give even a single heartbeat to.
I feel almost stupid for the few heart beats I've dealt out recently. Can I afford to be frivolous with them? Why do I give them to people I'm not positive deserve them? I guess there are signs that tell me NO. And I should always listen. And I don't. And then I get my curiosity goin' and maybe I get my hopes up, and it's never what I expected and then I just feel like I wasted my time or energy. Or heart beats.
Please don't take my heart beats from me and leave them in a ditch. They're important to me.
Tue, Jul. 15th, 2008, 07:12 pm
When the world is sick, can't no one be well...
But I dreamt we was all beautiful and strong.
Mon, Jun. 2nd, 2008, 03:17 pm
I feel today that my comfortability using sex as a weapon against other people, fuck, and even myself, is setting me out to sea in a little tiny boat with no oars and a fucking storm is coming. I do this. And it's awful. And when I joke with them about getting my tip, they laugh but I wonder if somewhere deep down, I mean it. There's a problem. And I don't know how to fix it.
I spent last night with someone who was in love with me years ago. I felt then that he was using me for something. We slept together a couple times and he was nice and I got irritated with him and pretty much told him to fuck off. And last night he told me that he's never stopped thinking about me, that I've always been the one, blah blah blah. I wasn't even flattered. Sure, it's nice to hear, but I didn't really care at all. He means nothing to me. He didn't then, he doesn't now. And I still went home with him. I still let him sweet talk me. I still gave him what he wanted. Like this time I would use HIM before he could use ME. And then I asked him how it feels to be the only person on stage. He said he didn't understand, but the look on his face said otherwise.
I woke up covered in blood. My nose seems to bleed most when I'm in a relationship with someone I don't care about. Honestly.
Earlier yesterday I sat with a boy who I had just met. We shyly flirted with each other. He kept joking with me. Hinting about wanting to spend time with me. Making me laugh. I think I could like him. I think this could be the first time in years I feel like actually letting myself like someone. He's so sweet. And then I fucked someone all night long. I was bored. I didn't have fun. And I thought of this boy that I had spent my evening with. I wished it was him I was with.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Thu, May. 15th, 2008, 01:37 am
I don't get it.
This is the first time I really feel shy about a boy. I've felt nervous before. I've felt apprehensive.
Something feels right. Something feels familiar. Something feels like I'm going to fuck this up.
Sun, Apr. 20th, 2008, 11:49 pm
I read ( thisCollapse )
last night. And then I decided something.
I am done. I'm for reals out. No more excuses for him because the more excuses, the more I'm being dishonest to myself. I won't ignore my needs and well being to avoid hurting feelings.
I am feeling better about the coming week already.
Sun, Apr. 13th, 2008, 03:16 pm
Tomorrow, America just might fall apart. Tomorrow, tell me where will you wake up? Beyond title, beyond lease careers and laws?
The suns always rising in the sky somewhere. If young hearts should explode from all the lies they'be been told, to live through one night like this... I would trade it for the silence.